So what finally worked? I needed to have them make the decision that they wanted to be kind to each other. Now, I’m not sure about your kids but being kind to each other wasn’t anywhere on their ‘to do list’. I had to invite in an extra incentive. We are all driven by something- some reward. I’m driven by peace in the house, my children- not so much. They are more driven by rewards such as food treats- lollies, ice cream, chocolate, sugar and prizes such as new toys, stationary, jewellery and key chains as well as money, stickers and stamps.

My first job was to think of a good incentive. One that was more appealing than ‘payback’ which was what I figured the main problem was. When I observed their fighting it was a continual payback system where each one was trying to ‘payback’ the other for whatever the other one had done whether that was looking at them funny, pulling their chair topper off or using their pen without asking. As they did their own payback which was usually worse than what the other one had done, they felt justified and stayed in the ‘victim phase’. I don’t want my children staying in ‘victim phase’ as it’s a ‘poor me’ mentality that makes them think they have no control over their circumstance.
I looked into my prize box and found three friendship necklace sets and placed them on the mantle and scribbled a quick chart on the whiteboard. It looked like this:

I then told them in order to get the necklaces (which they were all keen to attain), they needed to get 20 points on this new found chart. On the bottom of the chart I wrote the rules for how they could get a point:

1. If someone is mean to you and you pay them back with kindness you get a point.
2. You can’t have been mean to that person.
3. When you are kind to the person it doesn’t matter if they are still mean- you still get a point.

I realised as I was going through this with them, that the rules were very important to have as they tried to bend them continuously and without the rules written I would have caved or compromised.

So it was as simple as that. Pay back someone’s meanness with kindness. Sounds easy, but that’s actually really hard and even hard for adults to do! I thought they would all get done by one week but three weeks on and two have only just completed it but the atmosphere in the house has returned to absolute peace. The greatest thing is that now a habit has been developed because though my eldest finished her chart and got her necklace two days ago- I’m still seeing her paying back meanness with kindness. Not only at home but also at school.

One of the most beneficial things about the chart has been in the moment of fighting, I no longer had to sort it out with both parties involved. For example, this became a typical scenario;

Child: (crying), “Mum, (sister) called me stupid and won’t share her colouring pens with me. She said I break everything! She’s soooo mean!”

Me: “Aww she’s calling you names, not sharing and saying you break everything, well that does sound hurtful. Well, this certainly is an opportunity for you to get a line on that chart isn’t it!”

Child: Crying stops. Can tell they are starting to think. A smile creeps on their face as they see the opportunity.

Me: “What is something kind you can say or do?”

Child: Runs off to tell the sister that they like the way they did their hair. Comes back and tells me.

Me: “Great stuff. You can get a point on the chart now.”

It was super simple and yes also superficial but it certainly stopped the payback. All I was after was a breaking of the same habit of payback. It was so unnatural for them to turn around and be kind when that person had hurt them. Though their intent wasn’t to be kind to their sister, but rather to get a line in order to earn their prize, it stopped all the fighting- which breaks the habit and forms new ones. We were creating a new neuropath for them to walk into, which is the idea of a chart.

Of course all of this does not mean that they are now perfect and will never slip back into old patterns, but it is helpful to break the habit.
Now that the chart has done it’s job of breaking the habit, I seek to give them new patterns of behaviour- namely new communication skills. This simple sentence structure has helped a lot of our communication: “I Feel….I Need….”

As we have been doing this, I have needed to clarify what feelings are. The usual response is an overflow of, “She’s so annoying and mean and….” And I calmly respond, “That is not a feeling. How are you feeling about her being annoying to you?” The emphasis is then placed on her (good responsibility technique) and how she is feeling about the situation. The next statement is just as powerful and maybe even harder to articulate and may take some time- what do I need? This again is a self-reflection question putting the responsibility in the hands of the child. Once the other party hears this person’s feelings and needs, they can better understand the other person’s perspective instead of being “attacked” with words spoken at them which quickly moves them into ‘victim’ mode rather than ‘problem-solving’ mode.

An example of how this may play out, looks like this:

Child 1: “Mum, (Child 2) is being the worst! She keeps on……”

Mum: “What are you feeling right now?”

Child 1: “That (Child 2) is soooo annoying!”

Mum: “So how does it feel when she is being so annoying?”

Child 1: “I don’t know, I’m just angry!”

Mum: “And maybe feeling Frustrated and not listened to?”

Child 1: “Yeah. She doesn’t even listen when I tell her to stop.”

Mum: “That does sound frustrating. What do you need in that moment?”

Child 1: “To be listened to I guess.”

Mum: “Okay. Let’s bring in child 2 and tell her.”

Child 1 to Child 2: “I feel frustrated and annoyed when you don’t listen and I need you to listen to me when I talk and tell you to stop.”

Now here is the moment we stop and before the other child responds, we ask the other child the same questions as we know that they have a side of the story not yet explored. Now yes, it sounds long winded and slow, and it is to start with but as they get into the rhythm you will hear them using it effortlessly and it will help them to understand each other.
Just last night my 7 year old said to me, “I feel frustrated when you interrupt me and I need you to wait and listen to me first”. Because the communication is so clear, we can deal with it straight away rather than her trying to get my attention by other means which would usually include disruptive behaviour. Instead I can talk directly to what she is feeling and needing and apologise, explain myself and then we can move on. So actually, what may take a long initial setting up and learning about how to communicate, becomes a quick effective communication tool, where both parties feel validated.

So in summary, if you notice your children’s behaviour getting out of hand, create a simple chart with a good incentive, change the habit that has been created, and once that is broken, put in new communication tools such as ‘I feel….I need..’